My mother is a proper Englishwoman. I learnt very early on that there are some things that you just don't do.
You never ask a woman her age. You never discuss religion, politics or money. And as far as sex goes you lie back and think of England.
|Photo thanks to http://www.2cuk.co.uk/uk-flag/|
Nice girls don't enjoy sex.
That was the message I got loud and clear as I was growing up.
Sex is dirty and distasteful. Something to be endured not enjoyed.
When I was 25 I was married with two children and was visiting my parents when my mother commented that I was too old to be wearing a mini skirt. My eldest sister was also wearing one which I pointed out but that was ok because she was single. You see I wasn't too old I was just "off the market" so I didn't need to dress sexy any more.
Hmmm , so not only do good girls not enjoy sex they aren't allowed to dress sexy either.
|Photo from Mamamia.com.au|
Now I know I'm not the only one getting that message.
In fact most people are raised with the same guidelines. We fear telling our kids that sex is fun and enjoyable in case they race out and become promiscuous. Sadly what we end up doing us giving them conflicting messages around sex and sexuality which leaves them confused and sexually repressed.
On the one hand we use sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars, children's toys are more and more sexualised ( hello Bratz dolls!), you can buy push bras for girls before their bodies are even contemplating growing breasts, music videos stop just short of full in nudity and yet at the same time kids are getting the message that sex is bad and only nasty, cheap girls are interested in it. What is wrong with this picture?? Quite a lot actually!!
The important thing to show our kids is that touching; hugging, kissing and general affection, are a normal part of an adult relationship. That their parents being affectionate and snugly with each other is not something to be hidden or kept behind closed doors. Yes, they will get to an age where they will be grossed out. Guess what? That is a normal part of growing up but what you are teaching them is invaluable.
Sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship so lets stop giving our kids the impression that it is something that should be hidden. It is when it becomes hidden that problems arise. It is when it is hidden and deemed dirty that kids feel conflicted about the urges that start moving through their body as a normal part of growing up. It is when it is hidden that children feel that they cannot discuss it with their parents and they don't know what to do so they turn to their friends for the information that they so desperately need.
Talk to your kids, be affectionate with them all the way through their growing years. Don't just stop because they reach a certain age, that is when they need you more than ever and sometimes a hug from their parents is just what they need. Let them see you being affectionate with your partner so they know that its acceptable to want to touch and hug people that you care for.
Keeping all the channels of communication open, even touch, makes the transition through puberty easier. trust me I've been on the other side where touch and sex were taboo and it wasn't fun.