I was emptying the rubbish bag today while I was ruminating on writing a blog.
I spoke to my brother yesterday. No big deal, right? This was the brother that my father used to beat.
The brother who left ( fled?) home as soon as he could. I think he was 18. He didn't just leave home, he left the country. He moved back to England and lived there for a long time.
When he left home he left us all behind. Sure he wrote the occasional letter home to Mum but the rest of us never heard from him. And that is the way it has stayed. He stayed connected to Mum and Dad but ignored the rest of us.
I totally understood ( well, as much as I could). He had taken the beatings and abuse, we hadn't. Sure there were the odd family gatherings after he came back to NZ but they were few and far between. He came and stayed with my (then ) husband and I a couple of times but really we were more like a hotel for him. There were no deep and meaningful conversations.
He rang my eldest sister once ( she's a couple of years younger than him. I'm 6 years younger) but he never rang again. He struggled with the family all talking about things , gossiping , he called it.
In October I got a text from my sister telling me that he was in hospital. Numerous texts later it was revealed that he has cancer. It started in his pancreas and was now in his liver. Inoperable.
I am an empath.
I work in the mind/body field.
I work with energy.
I am a healer. None of this surprised me.
Years of denying, suppressing and ignoring your emotions will do that to you. Drowning them with alcohol, numbing them with drugs and putting on the happy face may feel good at the time, but ultimately we all have to deal with our shit.
So back to me emptying the rubbish bin. as I dragged the bin liner out of the bin, part of it caught on the inside rim causing the whole bag to rip open and all the rubbish cascaded over my feet. It made me realize that , at some point, we all have to let go. Our sacks of rubbish; all the crap parts of our story, all the hurts, all the anger, at ourselves or others, all of it has to go.
Now letting go sounds like a gentle, passive, lovely thing to do .
It involves digging deep, dragging those memories that you have stuffed down ; deep, deep down inside to the bright light of day. Examining them, turning them this way and that. Questioning yourself, questioning everything that you remember, trying to look at it from all perspectives.
If letting go was as simple as just opening your hand an releasing it then we would all be free from our baggage.
Ever since I heard that my brother has cancer I have been clearing junk out of my own mind, body and energy field. Cleansing , purging, releasing. It has been like being on an emotional roller coaster, crying great gasping sobs some day and other more like tears leaking out quietly all day, and the waking up feeling all is right with the world.
It has also manifested as a pain in my chest and issues with breathing. so lets take a look at the physical issues for me and my brother. The heart is obviously about love and feeling heartbroken ( and even as I type this the tears are welling up). Even though I didn't get beaten the abuse has had a huge impact on my life and I now realize that this is because I feel, intensely what others are going through. Lungs are to do with repressed grief, hmmm no surprise there. I have grieved for a lost childhood, when my brother left home I "lost"him too, i have grieved for the "ïdea" of how families are supposed to be. so yes to lots of grief.
My brother on the other hand has issues in his pancreas which, according to Louise Hay, is about not being able to process the sweetness of life. I would say that is a definite yes, life doesn't taste so sweet when the people who are supposed to have your back and cherish you are in fact beating the crap out of you for random misdemeanors.
The liver is about the father and repressed anger and hostility. Yup, another big tick on that one.
So how do you let it all go?
Ahh well now that is the $64,000,000 question. and as with all things in life there is now one size fits all..