I've been a bit quiet lately. My youngest son moved home for the month of February before he headed off overseas so I have been spending a lot of time connecting with him.
Yesterday I took him to the airport and said good bye. Not entirely sure when I will get to see him again. Any of you who are parents and have experienced this will know what I'm talking about.
When they move out of home to go flatting you know that there will be visits home, whether it's for Christmas or weddings or just because, kids always come home. But when they head off overseas they are off for the adventure of a lifetime.
It has almost become a rite of passage for Kiwi (New Zealand) kids. We are so far from everything that , inevitably, the kids head off overseas. Some come home after a few years and some never do.
My son was an accident. He was the baby I had when I was separated from his father. He has always been my boy as his father and I never got back together. sure he has had contact with his dad. His father was there at his birth and stuck around in NZ for the first few months before heading back to the US. And that has been the pattern throughout my son's life, Dad would drop in for a few months, the kids would go visit him and then he would return to the US.
My current husband met me when I was pregnant and has been a constant in our lives ever since. He is the man that has raised my youngest son, although my son has always known exactly who his father is, I made sure of that. I took photos of them together and hung them by his bed and every nap time and every bed time we talked about who that man in the picture holding him was, from 5 months onwards.
It is only recently that my son has told me about how much he felt he missed out by never living with me and his Dad together as a family. I always knew that it would be an issue but never realized the full impact on him. He would hear his brothers talk about things we had done as a family and he felt excluded.
I did my best. I gave him a family with my husband and his daughters but it is never the same.
So my son has set off to the US to live with his Dad for a while and sort out his relationship to this man who is his father, who has never fathered him. I know that this is what he needs to do. I know that this is vital for him to fully grow into the man he is meant to be. I have known that this was going to happen at some point from the time he went to visit his Dad for 6 weeks when he was 11. He came home from that trip and told me "I'm a city kid and I want to live over there one day".
I have been mentally preparing myself for this day.
It still takes some adjusting to. as I've said before letting go is never easy.