Some days I wake up and love myself completely. I feel ten feet tall and bullet proof, that I am the most fabulous creature to ever walk this Earth.
I KNOW that I am smart and sassy and witty and gorgeous. I feel it in my bones and I spend th day basking in the glow of self love.
But just as quickly as it comes it leaves again without even a word of goodbye.
On those days I wake up feeling that I am the lowest scum of the earth,
Both states are fleeting and most of the time I muddle along, like most people do, neither loving myself completely nor loathing myself, just content to muddle along.
What I want to know is how to capture that self love and keep it around for longer than a few days?
I look deep inside myself, peel back all the layers of self doubt and torment. Peel back all the thoughts of things I should or should not have said or done and look, deeply into the heart of this woman that I am.
What I see is someone yearning to be whole, to be healed, love and be loved, someone yearning for deeper connection to ..........something. I know that I am loved and loved deeply by friends and family and that I love them too.
I know, too, that self love takes time to seep deep into your bones and that the days I awake feeling like I can take on the world are more than those where depression sweeps over me and I feel less than. I alos know that it is like that for most people. The biggest gift we can ever give ourselves is forgiveness.
Forgiveness is like water that washes through you and makes everything clean and forgiving our selves is always harder than forgiving any one else. In all the years that I have been working as a therapist it is the one thing that I see over and over; people can forgive others for the most heinous of things and yet....... and yet when it comes to forgiving themselves they struggle.
"I should have done..... I should have said.... Why didn't I.....? "And on and on it goes.
And yet...... the sweet balm of self forgiveness will soothe all of these cares and worries and you will discover that , truly, you did the best that you could at the time. Sure maybe now you know different and you look back and shake your head, but then you did what felt right.
At the heart of all of us is light and love and on those dark days when we see nothing good about ourselves if we could just pause and pull back the layers, even if only just to lift the corner a wisp, we would see the light of our own heart and then ( as my darling often says) What is not to love?
I am learning everyday, in a myriad different ways, to love myself as the flawed, loosely stitched together mass of insecurities that I am ....... and I hope you are too, for what the world truly needs now, more than anything, is for us all to wake up to our own magnificence, to realise that we may not be perfect but we are perfectly ok.
Love really is an inside job.
There is a crack, a crack in everything, thats how the light gets in. Leonard Cohen