You know how it is ; one minute your life is sailing along and the next you somehow get derailed, shunted sideways by life and you are no longer sure of which way is up.
That's what has happened to me.
somehow or other I lost my footing on my path and took a tumble. While I was down there I started questioning what the hell it was that I was even doing? Why did I write my blog? Why did I have a Facebook page? Why did I feel an overwhelming urge to share all the ins and outs of my life with you, the faceless readers? Why? Why?
And I found I didn't have a decent reason to.
So I stopped.
I shut down my business.
I closed my Facebook page.
I logged out of Linked In.
I kept Twitter and Google+ ( mainly because I forgot I had it LOL) and I kept my blog. Only I didn't really post anymore - just sporadic bursts of indignation that the world had not healed itself yet goddammit! and why were we still being so vile to one another??
During all this time I have taken a wander deep, deep, deep ( yup that deep!) into myself.
I have returned to my gratitude journal to give daily thanks for everything in my life; the good , the bad and the ugly as it were.
I have practised daily EFT as I go to sleep and as I awake every morning and night for weeks.
I have read and read and read some more.
I have blobbed out in front of mindless television, watching all the episodes of Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad back to back.
I have practiced hoóponopono for anything and everything that you can imagine.
I have given myself daily Reiki sessions.
And I still feel broken, lost and confused.
Until last night.
I have taken a part time job working night shift at a small kiwifruit lab. I have made a few friends and one of them asked me a few days ago why and how I always stayed positive. she sees me as the woman who always has a smile on her face and who is always upbeat ( ahhh the masks that we wear) So I shared with her some of the things that I have been doing ( listed above) and suggested that she think of 5 things that she could be grateful for and a few other simple suggestions.
Last night she thanked me for helping her and when I shared that this was the work I had been doing before starting at the lab she said "Well you are really good at it and you should go back to it"
Now I had spent the night doing my work and asking the angels for guidance, for some sign of what my next step should be.
Do you think I got my answer? I do.
So I have decided I am going to start, gently easing myself back into........ something.
I have a passion for helping woman feel comfortable with their bodies the way that they are now. You see often we get the "I"ll be happy when"syndrome : I'll be happy when I lose x number of pounds/kilos, I'll be happy when I can fit into a size...., I'll be happy when I get the perfect haircut, I'll be happy when I have bigger/smaller breasts, I'll be happy when ...... and the list never ends..... and we never realise that we get to choose to be happy now.
I am passionate about making the world a better place to live by showing people how to love themselves first and foremost because in loving yourself and having compassion for all the fuck ups that you make in your own life you will have so much more compassion for everyone else that you ever come in contact with. In my work I have found that the person most people struggle to forgive the most is not the person who inflicted incredible pain on them; no, they struggle most in forgiving themselves. I know that this has been what I am struggling with and the more that I forgive myself the happier I am with my life.
I am passionate about writing.
I am passionate about having the best, juiciest relationship int he world and helping others to achieve a deep level of intimacy that they may not have reached before. I believe that we connect with each other on a primal level when we engage in sex and sometime those "hooks"need to be released from past sexual encounters so that we can move into a deeper connection with the person in front of us now. Sexual wounding happens to all of us from time to time but we tend to push it down or deny to our selves that it ever took place and by doing this we shut off part of our sexual juice.
I could go on .... and on but somehow I am going to pull all the threads of my passions into SOMETHING. So brace yourself World, I'm back on track and with a firmer grasp of who I am and what my purpose is.