Sex fascinates me and is my drug of choice. Having a bad day? Sex will cheer you up. Having a great day? Sex will make it better.
I've been studying it for , well, forever. Obviously when I was preteen it was not on the agenda but once I hit my teens ( and could get my hands on anything sex related) I read about it.
Now, lets just be clear; I was not overly promiscuous, no, I was a good Catholic girl but it still fascinated me. I had my first sexual encounter at 16 with a 26 year old. I had always know that I wanted an older guy to do the deed as I had already had enough of young boy fumblings. To say that I was disappointed would be a gross understatement but I had yet to achieve orgasm so its hardly a surprise.
So I am constantly surprised that with all the information that we have at our fingertips how little people know about sex.
I just spent half an hour on the phone with a client who is in his 30's explaining the ins and outs ( pun intended) of sex with an older woman. He was desperate to please her but really had little knowledge of how a womans body works, let alone an older woman.
The biggest thing we all seem to forget is that the brain is the biggest, most reliable and most under used sex organ that we have. If you stimulate the brain enough all sorts of magical things can and do happen. Communication, or lack of it, is the biggest mistake that we make when it comes to sex. We seem to think that the other person, if they truly loved us,would know what to do; how to stroke us, where to stroke us, which areas light us up and which ones do absolutely nothing for us.
But love ( or lust) does not automatically make us a mind reader and unfortunately most of us are too shy, too scared of seeming pervy, too inhibited, too frustrated or too hurt from past relationships to open our mouths and say exactly what it is that (a) we want or (b) we like. And yet that is the only way that our partner can know what to do.
We have been taught by the media that sex looks a certain way and that all sorts of bells and whistles go off without much effort when in actual fact only about 20% of woman achieve orgasm through penetration alone. Most woman will need digital or oral stimulation to achieve the orgasms that seem so effortless on our screens.
Lubrication is often an issue but you never see it used in movies or porn. In fact I read a story of a teenage girl being accused of being "disgusting"by her ( soon to be ex) boyfriend because she was too wet. He had been "educated"by porn and didn't realise that girls get wet when aroused and found it "repulsive". I feel quite sorry for him and her. She now has hang ups about a perfectly natural function of her body.
But this is what happens when we give our kids no information and they "educate"themselves with porn which is easily accessible via the internet.
Yes, we have basic information of the what-goes -where type when it comes to sex education but there is never any talk of intimacy or trust or emotional connection. There is no discussion of exploring each others bodies and of exploring your sexuality. No, because that would encourage promiscuity and if we are truly honest with ourselves, makes parents, teacher and teenagers alike a tad uncomfortable.
I remember talking about sex with my own sons and how cringey they found it but I explained it to them this way "I am your mother. It is my job to keep you safe so this is information that you need to keep you safe." I also ensured that sex books that I had were not hidden away but openly displayed on our bookshelf so that had all the information that they needed without having to talk to me.
So what questions do you have about sex? What information do you wish that you had or would you like covered in a coming blog?Leave me a comment here on on my facebook page here.