We all havethem in our life. Or if we are lucky we had someone like that in our life but
had the foresight tomove on.
I bet that title has already brought several people to mind.
You know who I mean. Those people who make cutting remarks;
about your weight, your job, your life and when you get upset they merely turn
to you and say “ What I was only joking/teasing? Don’t be so sensitive/
defensive. Lighten up”
It’s not you.
It is them.
You are entitled to your feelings and if you feel hurt or
upset by something someone says it is not always down to you being“too sensitive” . I’ve never understood what
that phrase means. I feel things . Maybe I do feel more intensely than others.
This is a good thing. It means I haven’t numbed out everything in my life in
order to exist. Sensitivity, therefore, should be celebrated, embraced and
Not scorned or ridiculed by those who have chosen to numb
themselves to their ownemotions . Why
is that considered a good thing to do? So you can move callously through the
world with complete disregard for others emotions? No, thanks I’ll stick with
What do we do about
toxic people in our lives?
It is not always easy, generally because they have convinced
us that we are the problem. Us, with our sensitivity, our emotions and feelings,
not them with their callous disregard, lack of compassion and hard heartedness.
It can be even harder if these people are members of your
own family, that safe, nurturing sanctuary.
that it is not your issue:
We are entitled to feel what we feel
without censure or ridicule or being told to “lighten up”. Once we accept that
our feelings are valid we can then decide how we are going to react to the
If we constantly feel that the other person
is justified in their statements we begin to devalue ourselves, our feelings
and our reactions.STOP! Anyone treating you badly for feeling
how you feel is a dick. The end
Value your feelings:
Celebrate your sensitivity!It makes you more compassionate, more loving
and more open than those who are less sensitive.
Allow yourself to feelwhat you feel without censoring it for the
benefit of others.
Establish a clear boundary:
that you have acknowledged the validity of your feelings it is time to let
those people who havetreated your
feelings with casual disregard that it is no longer acceptable and that you
will not tolerate it.
Pick a time when you are not feeling
emotionally vulnerable and approach the person concerned and calmly tell them
that you do not appreciate their constant negating of your feelings and ask
them to stop treating you this way.
This may bring on the usual round of “ stop
being so sensitive. Lighten up”etc so
practice being a stuck record and ask them (nicely, calmly) to respect your
feelings in the future.
Refrain from name calling or blame , merely
state your position and ask them to respect it.
If they continue to disrespect you once you
have established your boundary then you move on to the next step of avoiding
contact with them.
Some people won’t change. This is the way
they have always been and they truly believe that it is you that has the issue.
In this case you have no choice but to avoid them. Yes,even if they are family.
Especially if they are your family.
Family is supposed to be the one place that we can go to count on for love and
support and nurturing. It is supposed to be a place to retreat from the world.
Sadly this is not always the case as I know only too well.
It is okay to love them from afar. You don’t
have to put yourself in the place of being treated badly. Sure, give them the
option of treating you right by telling them how what they are doing or saying
is making you feel. If they continue to do the same old, same old then you have
the choice to not show up any more for that treatment
I can hear you now; Yes but how do I do that when they are family/ a coworker/ my partner? Well guess what ? As Dr Phil says we teach people how to treat us.
How do we do that?
But putting up with their shit.
If you don't like it say something and keep on saying it until you are heard. It is called the broken record technique.
Think of a two year old; they ask for something and you say "No" so what do they do they ask again ... and again ..... and again until you give in just to get some peace. So if your toxic person doesn't get it the first time that you tell them their behavior upsets you tell them again... and again .... and again. And keep your distance. Don't engage with them. Just stop: talking, texting, Facebook messaging, phoning, emailing or catching up to "just chat"., if at the end of these things you are left feeling; less than, drained, belittled, or bad about your self then this person IS. NOT. GOOD. FOR. YOU. Full stop, the end.
If you need help forming clear boundaries then contact me to set up a Skype or one on one session : Details Here
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