Let's face it on any given day we can all be a bit of a hot mess.
i know that when I was growing up I thought that by the time I reached X age I would totally have all my shit together.
I am 53.
I am still waiting for that day.
The truth is we are all making it up as we go along.
When we were kids it looked like all the adults knew what they were doing. They knew how to parent, drive a car, balance a checkbook, keep food on the table and keep their relationship going. To be honest my parents relationship didn't look that great so I was taking notes on "what I don't want in a relationship". Turns out I wasn't paying close enough attention but that's a story for another day.
I left home at 18 and moved straight in with my boyfriend and thought that now I would have my shit together and begin to "adult". Boy, was I wrong. I went on to have kids and figured now I would know how to "adult". Nope, wrong again. Instead I suffered from post natal depression and our kindly doctor told us that I needed loving support from my husband. Instead I left him when my son was four months old.
We got back together but eventually I left him.
With two young kids I figured now I would begin to get my life sorted. Oh, how I laugh! Instead I got pregnant to my ex and then divorced.
I have just staggered from one cluster fuck to the next all in the guise of being an "adult" and "knowing what I am doing". I did make some smart moves though, namely meeting and marrying my current husband.
I am older and wiser now but life can still knock you sideways which is what happened to me a few years back when I went through a complete nervous breakdown. And just like Brene Brown's therapist I call it a Spiritual Awakening ( watch until the 11 minute mark to get the reference).
I dissolved into a heap. I didn't function. I went on antidepressants which is so against everything I believed up until that point.
This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I am a therapist. I am the one that helps people and here I was, not even able to help myself. It took me a long time to pull myself back together and it took lots of self care, lots of unending support from my beloved husband and time, lots of time.
Then it became my dirty, little secret. I felt like a fraud helping people when I had fallen apart so spectacularly. I didn't want to share about it. I didn't want to blog about it (although the nudge to do so has been there for a long time) I kept it to myself.
So why am I sharing it now?
Because we all have crap days.
Because talking about our shit, heals our shit.
Because I want you to know that I know. I know what it is like to fall apart. I know what it is like to struggle. To struggle with being a Mum and wondering if you are doing a good job . To struggle with the idea of leaving and "what will that do to the kids?" . To struggle with an inopportune pregnancy and weigh all of that up. To struggle with starting anew relationship when there are kids involved.
Because I survived it all and thrived and I know you can too.
Because putting all my cards on the table feels real and raw and vulnerable and powerful and empowering all at the same time.
Because reclaiming myself as a Sex Goddess and stepping fully into my authenticity is just how I roll.